Most of us are pretty good at showing up for our children, our loved ones, our pets… and yet not so good at showing up for ourselves.  When we offer ourselves the same unconditional love we offer our children, transformation can occur.

A few years ago I started out on a journey to try to love myself unconditionally.  I did not know what I was getting myself into.  It has been a wild ride of deep pain coming to the surface.  And that pain needs to be met with love.  It is always wonderful when a partner or a friend, sibling or  parent can show up for us in our pain.  But that is not the transformational element.  That is important, but not transformative.  When we show up within ourselves for the deep emotional pain that surfaces in our lives, that is transformative.  

I use an exercise when this deep pain shows up.  I speak to my inner wounded child from my healthy adult self.  This is simply a construct that allows us to send love to the deep pain we are holding.  Rather than avoiding it, rather than reaching to another to soothe it, rather than blaming another for causing it (all things I have done) allow yourself to sit and breathe and feel this deep emotional pain.  This is not fun, but it is important and you will survive it.  Then, with all the love you would give to your own child or pet or friend, speak to this wounded part of yourself.  It will sound weird, feel bizarre, but do it anyway.  It may sound something like this,  “I know you are in pain.  I want you to know, I am here for you and I love you.  I will always love you.  And I will never leave you.  There is nothing that you could do that would make me stop loving you.  I am here for you and it is ok for you to feel this pain.  I am here with you and I am not leaving.”  Yep, sounds weird to have this conversation within yourself, but no one has to know, so maybe just let yourself be weird.  

I have experienced the transformations that this can help bring about, and so have some of the clients I work with.  It helped me release levels of codependency that were hanging on after years of therapy.  It helped me stop blaming my partner for my own pain.  It brought me to a sense of deep trust and relaxation that allowed me to be more compassionate to those around me.  

It’s not rocket science.  It’s just love.  And it is transformative.  Give it a try and see what happens.  

Working with a client recently, I was reminded of how important it is for us to allow ourselves to be with and in our present state of existence before we try to “change.” 

When we are in pain, whether it is emotional or physical, anger and fear simply fuel the pain.  In order to shift into a new position, in this case, a place of less pain, we must allow ourselves to be in the present and accept what the present moment is giving us.  It  may sound counterintuitive, but to breathe and allow yourself to fully feel what is happening within you is the path to allowing it to shift. 

I have had much experience with this in my own life, certainly on an emotional level and most recently on a physical level.  And the principle is the same.  I have recently gone through a two year period of undiagnosed pain.  Many doctor visits, much money and many tests later my doctor’s frustration led him to ask me to go on prozac for a third time.  And although I believe the mind and body are connected, I did not believe that an anti-depressant was going to address my physical symptoms.  So I worked with my body as I have learned to work with my emotions.  And that is, I accepted my state of being without fear or judgment.  This took a lot of work in meditation and in comforting my internal state of fear about what was happening to my body, but I was able to relax my fear.  I was able to allow my body to be where it was without anger, fear or judgment.  And from this place, I was able to allow it to shift.  From this place of acceptance and listening to my body, I was able to shift the pain (as well as other physical symptoms).  And this experience is just one example of how important it is to start where you are.

Most often I am working with others on an emotional level, and so many people defend against what the present moment is bringing.  In our defensive position we often hold the breath, put up a wall and clench the body without even being aware of it.  And this is what keeps the pain firmly in place and sometimes exacerbates it.  It is the acceptance of the pain, allowing ourselves to fully feel it that brings movement so that it may shift.

Many of us, myself included in my younger years, are so fearful of our feelings.  We believe we cannot survive them.  If we open the floodgates we will never stop crying, “the pain will never stop, it’s been so long I can’t start now, if I let the door open the pain will just get bigger,” are some of the reasons I hear for stopping the flow of emotions within.  But we can survive, we can allow for the deepest of pain to move through us and as we do this it will move on and we can then shift into that easier place we have been holding our breath and praying for.  So, for today, answer your own prayer, breathe and allow yourself to feel what ever you have been avoiding and see what happens.